You know...it is a melancholy feeling you get when you realize that after you have fallen asleep and woken up, everything that happened was all a dream. I look over to find my two precious children laying in the bed, not in particularly comfortable positions either, and I think to myself, "These girls have it so easy...the only thing they really worry about is whether or not I am happy" All these times I keep saying 'I can't wait until they get older' but right now, I am ashamed of myself for even wanting them to enter the real world. Lilli says "Mommy, I hope I never fall in love...it just seems like a lot of waiting, and heartbreak to me. Why would anyone do that!" and I know she is just a little girl, but really, she is right. Love is wonderful too, but sometimes we do just wait. and we wait and we wait and we wait and before too long we realize, 'what on earth and I waiting for??' And I guess I am thinking about this because lately my whole world is all about waiting for things to happen that are completely beyond my control...but how do you let that go? How do you stop yourself from trying to control it?? Why can't it 'just be'?? I guess it is human nature to demand that things go are way and then whine when they don't. But it isn't really a feeling of things not going my way that I feel right now, more like an endless waiting. For what, I am not sure.
And I have to say, that anybody who ever chose to do the single parent thing, I mean CHOSE, not doing it because circumstance dictated it, but actually chose to do it...is out of their ever loving mind. It is hard. It is lonely. The gratification is not instant and sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is not there....which brings me full circle. "I can't wait until they are grown and not so dependent" but I don't really want that. I feel like I need to be taking care of them...because in turn they take care of me...so logically, when they no longer depend on me...will they still want me? And the answer the therapists give you is "yes, you are their mother, and a fine one" but really, when they start leading their own lives, they are no longer dependent on anything from me...maybe support and encouragement. I now know why my father spent so much time with me as an adult..he must have been feeling this feeling I am so afraid of feeling one day. No sense of self. without my children...who do I have, who am I?? you know the whole "if you love something set it free. If it comes back it was and always will be yours....." but then you get the "if it just sits in your living room, eating your food, messing up your stuff, and using your phone while taking all of your money and never actually behaves like you set it free in the first place.....you either married it or gave birth to it" lol.
arrggg...first the psychotic blog, and now the deep in intellectual conversation blog....well....it won't happen again ;)
Facebook rant??? well Lauren, I am ranting about something that bothers you. Why do moms feel it necessary to alert the ENTIRE world as to the bowel habits of their young children??? Do I look like I want to know how many times they pooped or how many skittles you gave them???? did I ask??? no, therefore keep that info to yourself.
Tony Dinozzo....I am feeling you tonight my man.
"If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always gotten" amen to that.
So...wanna know who the prettiest woman in the ENTIRE world is??? huh huhuhhuh do ya?? well....the answer is below;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31v6drN99N0
I mean, that says it all. Right there. Sheer perfection.
ok..well...I haven't slept in days and it is doubtful that I will be doing a great job of it tonight...but I am gonna try. Maybe some bubble bath and hot tea will help :-*
oíche mhaith mo mhúirnín bán
BOO! That's about all I can say.. not like anything I would say could be much comfort :) If you need a laugh, go watch my video again LOL!! Wow. It was embarrassing a little, but I know only 2 people would see it, so I'm not too worried!
ReplyDelete